Capacity
One of the things I treasure most about my years in Southampton is the sense of competence I had there.
Every decision I made there was mine, & the consequences are those that I had to accept as well. Which is both natural & simple to accept since contemplating consequences is a part of the entire decision-making process.
I won't say that every decision I made there was an easy one or that the solution was always clear to me. I had a great deal of help with weighing up the options that I had & considering alternatives. But every decision was mine. There was no-one to second guess me there, save for myself with the perfect vision of hindsight. Enjoying consequences boosted my confidence and coping with consequences taught me important lessons.
Above all else, I felt I could take on whatever came my way. I felt I had the ability to make an on-the-spot decision that would affect myself and others around me. I felt I could consider possibilities and choose what suited me for the long-run. I felt I could take care of myself and others. I was confident I could choose; I was confident I could fend.
I don't feel those things anymore. I don't have the confidence I had then.
Options are a good thing, but lately I've been faced with a number of incidents that occur on a regular basis where I make a decision & have that decision either second-guessed or opposed in favour of the opposer's own preference. I'm left lacking confidence in my own abilities & having nagging doubts about every decision I make, those for the immediate short-run being far more prominent.
I'm an independent person. I've always liked making my own choices, appreciated the opportunity to learn from the mistakes that I've made & welcomed a new challenge to my abilities. Yes, it's flattering to have someone want to take care of me & want to make sure I don't have my knees scraped, my head hurt or my temper tossed. There's a fine line, though, between such flattery & being wrapped in bubble-wrap.
I don't like being wrapped in bubble-wrapped & I don't like being second-guessed on every decision I make. I don't want to be directed all the time & I don't appreciate being instructed on what to do always.
Most of all, I don't like being left doubting my own capabilities.
Every decision I made there was mine, & the consequences are those that I had to accept as well. Which is both natural & simple to accept since contemplating consequences is a part of the entire decision-making process.
I won't say that every decision I made there was an easy one or that the solution was always clear to me. I had a great deal of help with weighing up the options that I had & considering alternatives. But every decision was mine. There was no-one to second guess me there, save for myself with the perfect vision of hindsight. Enjoying consequences boosted my confidence and coping with consequences taught me important lessons.
Above all else, I felt I could take on whatever came my way. I felt I had the ability to make an on-the-spot decision that would affect myself and others around me. I felt I could consider possibilities and choose what suited me for the long-run. I felt I could take care of myself and others. I was confident I could choose; I was confident I could fend.
I don't feel those things anymore. I don't have the confidence I had then.
Options are a good thing, but lately I've been faced with a number of incidents that occur on a regular basis where I make a decision & have that decision either second-guessed or opposed in favour of the opposer's own preference. I'm left lacking confidence in my own abilities & having nagging doubts about every decision I make, those for the immediate short-run being far more prominent.
I'm an independent person. I've always liked making my own choices, appreciated the opportunity to learn from the mistakes that I've made & welcomed a new challenge to my abilities. Yes, it's flattering to have someone want to take care of me & want to make sure I don't have my knees scraped, my head hurt or my temper tossed. There's a fine line, though, between such flattery & being wrapped in bubble-wrap.
I don't like being wrapped in bubble-wrapped & I don't like being second-guessed on every decision I make. I don't want to be directed all the time & I don't appreciate being instructed on what to do always.
Most of all, I don't like being left doubting my own capabilities.
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