Violet Equitable Faith

Candles.

2010-08-21T01:21:00.003+08:00

I wish you did. I wish you do. I wish you will.
But probably not.

Bubblebubble.

2010-06-30T21:20:00.000+08:00

It might just be that I'm tired, but more than feeling tired, I'm lonely & rather enraged.Not the violent rage of scathing words. The kind that settles and simmers in the mind, and comes with an acrid, metallic taste in the mouth.

Yesterday

2010-05-25T18:25:00.000+08:00

Suddenly, everything seems so uncertain all over again. In a way, I want to know where I'll be this time next year so I have some form of direction.

Just yesterday, I had a plan. Now I want to be able to move up the timeline for that plan, but I can't. It's a timeline imposed on me. And there's the finances to consider in the midst of execution of the plan.

It would also be nice to have some sort of a personal life. And rereading that sentence, it sounds rather pathetic. But I'm not deleting it, because it's still true. All those self-help stuff about being strong solo comes to mind, but it doesn't take away that it's relieving, for a lack of a better word, to have someone to share stuff with.

Tomorrow tomorrow
I love you tomorrow
You're only a day away.

Shh...

2010-05-21T08:47:00.001+08:00

I read blogs like sixbillionsecrets.com , fmylife.com & postsecret.com just to see if I'm the only one sometimes.

It's slightly comforting to know I'm not alone in my head.

Today

2010-05-19T19:45:00.000+08:00

Today, I was the odd girl on the train wearing suspender pants, mostly absorbed in her book.

Today was the day I could have fought & made a lot of trouble, but figured there was no point. Niceness worked out perfectly well.

Today was the day I felt like a ghost. Here, but not quite.

Today was the day I walked through the crowds. Lonely and peaceful all at once.

On another note, how long before you realise?

Perhaps

2010-05-18T22:30:00.001+08:00

Things always come around. And things always work out for the best.
Sometimes there's nothing more than that to believe.
Fate. Coincidence. Serendipity.
Whatever it is, these are the things I have for now.
Faith. Belief. Hope.

Vulnerable

2010-05-11T20:45:00.002+08:00

"Who is that sort of woman?" Vinnie snaps when Meera tries to explain the confusion that rages in her. "What woman, unless she is a nymphomaniac, or a whore, sets herself up as an available woman? We don't, Meera. Not even I. I know you think I switch lovers like I change the chopsticks in my topknot. But I am not available. You know what we are? Vulnerable!"

"That's what we are. Vulnerable fools who believe that this time no matter how often we've been proved wrong, we've found the right man. The one man who is going to enchant out lives into an extended fairy tale. The man you think you can lean into, and he'll be there for you."

Meera shudders at the phrase 'lean into'. Nothing could explain it better. That letting down of defences. A sigh of relief. Soft, soft, softness and knowing that holding it all was a bedrock of strength. She missed that so much, To let go and know there was someone to lean into.

~ Lessons in Forgetting, by Anita Nair ~

In Mind's Sight

2010-05-09T21:40:00.001+08:00

It's funny when someone says I should let go.
I wasn't on to something that was mine to begin with.
I wasn't even holding on.

Though today is one of those days I wish someone was holding onto me.

Eleven 'O Six

2010-05-02T17:10:00.001+08:00

I love that now I don't have to be here that day.

Irreligious Education

2010-03-30T21:00:00.000+08:00

This was a letter found in the Today newspaper of Tuesday March 30th 2010. I'm torn between being astonished & disgusted.

NOT REALLY CATHOLIC, AND IT'S A SHAME
------------------------------

I REFER to the recent debate over St Joseph's Institution's student intake policies.

I come from a family with many SJI and Convent of the Holy Infant Jesus (CHIJ) alumna. Catholic schools should remember their roots as schools built by Catholic missionaries; such Catholic schools should not turn away from their roots for the sake of staying competitive.

Many of these schools are now being headed by non-Catholic principals, who may not see the importance in keeping the schools "missionary". Gone are the days where these mission schools were led by Catholic brothers and sisters, who gave themselves wholeheartedly to the cause.

Prayers during assembly and Catechism classes are also disappearing from school curriculum and the majority of the students are now non-Catholics.

I have some questions for these schools:

During the Primary 1 registration, do popular Catholic schools give priority to Catholics at Phase 2B, when compared against the many non-Catholics who volunteer?

Why do non-Catholics fight for a place in a Catholic school and then demand secularism? This has caused many Catholic schools to remove mass prayer sessions and pastoral care classes, all of which I was exposed to when I was a child.

Why are non-Catholic principals chosen to lead Catholic schools in the first place? It is no wonder that Catholic schools end up being "elitist", as non-Catholic principals will eventually bow to the pressure for the school to excel strictly in academic terms.

I am sad that the Catholic Archdiocese can do nothing about this issue since all schools are now under the charge of the Ministry of Education.

Education ought to be secular. Isn't that the whole point of "one united people, regardless of race, language or religion"? Is being of a particular religion meant to be a criteria to entry into a school?

Lets say yes - how shall the child of six years be made to prove he is a devout follower of the religion? And just how devout is devout enough? Memorise the entirety of the religious text or will just knowing there's a religious text suffice? How actively must the faith be practiced?

Ah, but children of six years usually aren't deciding their own religion, so we'll have to look at the religion of the parents. So how devout shall the parents have to be? How far back into their past shall we look to assess their commitment to the religion? Background religious checks, exams, maybe a few pop quizzes. Also checks with the relevant person of religious authority.

What happens if the child grows up & decides to denounce that religion in favour of another? Or just if the child or parents become less religious after a schooling age. Perhaps they should be made to pay a sum to the school since they've obviously misdirected the school as to their true commitment to the religion. This sum should obviously vary according to how much variation there has been to the religious commitment, you know, to be fair.

We also have to remember that we're a multi-faith nation. So we're going to have to come up with a system where we can figure out whether religious commitment to a variety of gods is going to be of less, equal, or of more ranking than religious commitment. There's a host of debates right there. Splitting religious commitment could mean less commitment per god, or maybe the sum of commitment to various god totals more than the commitment to one. And then there's the religious commitment to any number of god(s) will suffice version.

Now all these stringent background checks, exams, pop quizzes, keeping track of religious commitment & religious commitment assessment systems is going to take a lot of time and cost a lot of money. Also, we're going to have to make sure that none of these infringes on any other policies and national obligations we have so we'll probably have to have at least one authority on the issue. Of course given that there are religious sensitivities here, we'll have to make sure that all religious groups are represented on the authority & someone's going to have to have a tie-breaker vote. I suggest that the tie-breaker vote either go to person who isn't of any religion, thinks himself to be god, is a secularist or just be rotated between the representatives on a weekly basis.

All those for a school system based where entry is based on religion, with persistent religious background checks and follow-ups, sky-high costs & a future of educational protectionism based on religion & religious segregation, raise your hands right about now.

Schools are meant to be assessed on their academia. On their performance as a whole. Academic and Co-curricular excellence are what mainstream schools are meant to achieve and the heads of the school would naturally have to put those above religious education to do so. Schools started off by religious groups started of that way just because they had the funding, it was of more assistance to particular children and easier to persuade the parents. If you want your child to get a religious education, how about sending your child to religious classes or teaching them the religion yourselves. Kill off a tuition and put in a religious education class on a weekend. Better yet, teach them about your religion yourselves.

It's appalling to think that the author deems Catholic schools to be elitist for admitting non-Catholics. When did education based on secularism become elitist?

Somedays

2010-03-23T00:07:00.002+08:00

Somedays, it's really easy to lose sight of the things that are really important. It's just easier to read through cases, pull up principles, distinguish and reason between fact scenarios & apply law to facts deriving various possibilities. Somedays, it's really easy to forget that out of twenty-four hours of the day, the majority aren't meant to be billable.

Somedays, there's a momentary flicker of thought - it doesn't have to be this way.

But reality kicks in. Perhaps it does have to be this way.

Selling to the Sold

2010-02-25T21:06:00.001+08:00

You know those Courtesy Campaign ads on the NEL trains? There's this part of the ad where two cartoon school children enter the train and to the centre of the train car.

The ad is all well & fine (save for the portion where the girl sees hearts when the guy gives up his seat for someone). The only issue I have with the ad is that it plays on a little screen that's located in the centre between train doors. People at the doors can't see the ad & the ad sadly seems to be preaching to the converted. And to those who have only moved to the centre in the hopes that someone seated will get off soon & they can whisk themselves into that seat.

If Work Defined Me.

2010-02-25T15:50:00.002+08:00

This morning I was asked if I'm always this cheery. I replied that I try to be. Less than five minutes later I'm given two more pieces of work. I must seem too cheery to be busy. I now have four matters to get through - three are large, tedious & slow projects. I'm putting off the fourth for later tonight or early tomorrow morning just because it's easier to do when there are fewer people vying for the photocopy machine's attention.

This afternoon, I walked into the glass doors because I got caught up thinking about work & finding documents. It wasn't even clear glass. I now know why the firm was so careful to use shatter-proof glass. I also now think I might get retained for my intrinsic entertainment value.

I love my work. I just need less of it. Or for it to not all end up on my desk at the same time.

Fury

2010-02-17T16:44:00.003+08:00

I'm suddenly filled with this wild fury, but I'm at work & can't do or say anything right now. I can't allow an outburst of any sort & all I get to do is sit here in my cubicle & seethe for a while before I get back to my neverending task at work, with perpetually insane unmanageable deadlines. Of course, the person who's pissed me off has, & will have, no clue of my present fury.

There's someone saying she might leave once she gets her robes. I can't do that. In any case, I'm not sure I'd want to do that.

The fury's still bubbling over.

Barring Work Exigencies

2010-02-16T12:45:00.003+08:00

I love the work I do. There's so much to learn & it's not just legal stuff. It's like I get to have a taste of all sorts of different professions. I get to take it all in, surround it with law & put it back out in a whole different form. It's all a matter of perspective & stance, trying to take apart the grey in black and white, & showing how grey the black & white really are. There are times when the work gets so heady, everything else falls away.

I've had odd sort of difficulties too, with work, though the toughest thing to do is to have to give someone the answer they don't want, and live with the look of disappointment on their faces. I guess in a way, I'm one of those people who want to please.

I don't like having to say I can't finish a piece of work by the deadline given, but I don't do it unless something absolutely urgent crops up, killing my planned schedule. I don't like having to say I can't take on more work, but I don't do that unless I already have so much on my desk, that it's well impossible for do the work wanted to the required standard in the time given. I figure it's much worse to get back to the person at a later time saying I haven't got anything, which makes it tougher for them to find someone to do the work at that time or to do it themselves. I'd rather tell the truth earlier. The past crazy week was a week where I had to do both those things. It was not fun at all. One of the bosses still doesn't look too favourably on me anymore.

The long weekend has actually been a good mix of sleep, long drives with family, movies with friends, bouts of exercise & work. It's been productive & unproductive all at once. As much as I want more R&R right now, I know by the end of Wednesday, I'm going to be kicking myself for not getting more work done.

The one thought I cannot get out of my head is the urge to go lie on the beach in the sun, with a cushion under my head, an enthralling book in hand & gorgeous music.

I'm going to have to have to do that soon. Subject of course to my standard disclaimer when it comes to the social life: barring work exigencies.

Forward

2010-02-07T23:10:00.001+08:00

This upcoming work week is set to be quite crazy. It's looking up to be an early-days & late-nights week with no evening outings. I guess I've had it really good up till now, so I ought to be buckling down to work. Work is a huge part of my world right now. It fact, my world is almost entire made up of family, friends & work. Right now, it's quite enough for me.

I can't complain too much about late workdays, since I've had many many days of being out of office at 6ish in the evening, & I'm really thankful I'm involved in the file that I'm working on right now. There's so much to learn & so much more I want to know. I have to make the most of this right now; as much as I really do want to stay & learn more, I'm not sure how much time I have here. It's funny how so many want to leave & I really want to stay on. Hopefully, that works out for me.

Today, at an extended family lunch, I was being introduced around as being the First-Lawyer-In-The-Family. As red as I was turning, there was a part of me that was, & still is, very thrilled at being a Lawyer.

Violet Equitable Faith

2010-02-04T00:05:00.000+08:00

It's a bit bright, I know. I'm still working on the background and all. I just needed it to look different from last year to begin with.

So every year I re-decorate in time for Jan 1st. This year, I simply didn't feel up to it. In fact it's on a bit of an impulse that I've redecorated right now & am typing here today.

Formalities first.

Anyone who knows me knows I love purple & her shades, & there's something about violet, particularly, that's strong, feminine, unexpected & resilient. I want that for myself this year. If there's an expectation I don't want to conform to, I want the independence & strength for myself to go against it; if there's a stereotype that I can accept for myself, I want to be able to live with that choice with clear conscience & belief.

Equity has always, for me, been the innate choice between right & wrong. Equity is moralistic & indiscriminate, subjectively objective & objectively subjective, based on instinct & the deciding factor in an equal risk scenario. It is the do-unto-others-as-you-would-have-others-do-to-you-even-if-others-would-not-so-do that I want to hold onto in my mind. I know that it is equitableness that will soothe my soul in times to come.

Faith is the cornerstone for me. I must believe in myself, in others, in humanity, in the way of the Universe & in Higher Powers. Faith will be the reason to wake up to many tomorrows, and cyclically enough, that there will be many tomorrows to wake up to & experience will bolster that faith. To begin with though, I need faith that persistent faith can work wonders.

It is thus, that I have, this year, Violet Equitable Faith.

Now that the formalities are out of the way, I can move on to the catch-up session.

The last time I wrote, it was nine months ago. Quite an amount has changed since then.
I'm now effectively done with legal studies & am serving out my traineeship period in a fantastic firm. I love my work, & hope to stay on with the firm after the traineeship. There's another change, it's no longer a 'pupillage'; it's a 'training contract'. More importantly, I will be called to the Bar in May this year & shall properly don the robes I've been waiting six years for. I've known for 3 weeks or so now, and I'm still mighty thrilled about it!

Family & The Constants are well. They've become so much more my world. Naturally, it takes something difficult to show how important, sincere & valuable some people are, & when my difficult time came, these are the people who stood by me & brought me out the other side. For that, & so many countless other times, I will be eternally grateful.

On a personal note, the Fellow is now the Ex-Fellow. That things turned out as such, I've come to terms with, but the manner & timing are things that I'm not about to forgive him for. Not just yet anyway. I am thankful though that the weight of things as they turned out, are not the burden of my conscience. My conscience is clear & I am happy still. Right now, that's all that matters to me.

As for miscellaneous matters, I eat better these days, I sleep deep, I make some effort to exercise. I laugh a lot, I sing to myself, I don't care about how much of a fool I look like to other as long as I'm happy, not hurting anyone else & have a clear conscience. I love the people I do endlessly, I try to help at least one person everyday, I smile at people when I notice they're looking at me on the train & think of at least one thing I'm thankful for the day for before I fall asleep each night.

I think I'm doing pretty well for myself overall. I'm quite pleased.

Take A Stand

2009-04-30T21:45:00.000+08:00

Someone very close to me got a earful from me yesterday when he began dismissing the entire AWARE hijack/takeover/saga as an overall petty matter, of no real consequence & of not real public importance. What particularly annoyed me was the fact that he had not bothered to make any inquiries into what AWARE has been doing for the society thus far, who the people they try to assist are & how these would be affected by the new ex-co, their views & their apparent manner of doing things.

It isn't much a secret that Singaporeans haven't had too much experience in matters of social governance, civil society, democracy, civil liberties, rights & activism. In fact, it wouldn't be far-fetched to say that it is very well probable that the majority of us with knowledge on these matters have purely theoretical knowledge. Ours is a society which has labels, such as multi-cultural, multi-religious, conservative-democracy, Asian-values sensitive, Progressive-Communitarian, Asian-Collectivist, & Cautious-Liberal, attached to it. We prefer to err on the side of caution. On the side of the known. On the side of the comfortable.

And here we have a chance to experience democracy. We could choose to sit on the side-lines & enjoy the media frenzy, chat idly of the politicking. We could choose to shut our minds to it, not seek to learn of the issues, & not put our minds to what's at stake here. Or we could choose active citizenry. We could choose active participation in civil society. We could choose to take a stand & make it known.

The Petition

2009-04-25T13:10:00.000+08:00

Whether you're male or female.
Whether you're a member or not.
Whether you're here or abroad.

If you believe in AWARE & all that it stands for
Sign the AWARE Petition here.
Make your stance know.

Decided

2009-04-25T13:00:00.001+08:00

The Last Straw

Thanks for that Eugene. That totally helped me make up my mind.

AWAREness

2009-04-21T21:15:00.001+08:00

I haven't decided whether to join up & actively participate in the EOGM, or to stay out of it, althought the latter would definitely not be for apathy or disregard.

I think I should join up & actively participate becuase I don't approve of the new ExCo's silence as to their values, their agenda & their reasons for their takeover strategy. I'm also particularly disapproving of their decision to fire Ms Braema Mathi as chair of the CEDAW committee, not to mention the manner in which they chose to do so.

That being said, while their takeover strategy may not have been nice by moralistic standards, it doesn't seem to be particularly illegal. And I don't particularly want to be party to the EOGM if it stems from an ulterior motive for the old guard to regain power.

Hence, I'm yet thinking about whether I should join & participate, or stay out of it.

In any case, this is the current situation:
We Are AWARE

The Quarter Century Curse

2009-04-11T21:15:00.000+08:00

I think I'm falling victim to The Quarter Century Curse.
Bah.

In Short

2009-03-24T13:30:00.004+08:00

In a conversation with The Best Friend regarding my disability to form short sentences:

Me:
is it just that its humanly impossible for me to not be long winded?
The Best Friend:
i think that question speaks for itself
is it just that its humanly impossible for me to not be long winded?
=is it because i'm long winded?
= can i not be so long winded?
= is it possible for me to not be long winded
= is it because i cant summarise?
= why cant i summarise?

Any doubts as to why The Best Friend is a teacher?

Overheard

2009-03-03T16:25:00.000+08:00

Guy 1 says to Guy 2:

"Define "Woman"."

Only in Law School.

Court Tours

2009-02-25T14:10:00.001+08:00

How interesting :
http://www.thelivingcourthouse.com.sg/index.php

I'm also amused that the Rule of Law topic in the Essay Competition is pretty much the essay title we had for Singapore Constitutional Law Exams last semester in NUS.

Quick Change

2009-02-12T23:50:00.000+08:00

How quickly plans change & how swiftly I go searching for replacement plans so I don't have to feel the loss of plans much anticipated & awaited.

Happy Shopper

2009-01-31T16:00:00.001+08:00

I bought a spinning spice rack with sixteen containers, & a coffee/tea press with four matching mugs this morning, & I love them! I really need to take a look at all the household stuff I've bought so far & make a list of what I have.

Whee! Household shopping is so fun!

Plans

2009-01-27T23:10:00.000+08:00

It feels so good to be making plans.
For tomorrow. For a few months time.
For next year. For a few years time.
Nothing's concrete of course, but there's stuff in the works & there's comfort in that.
A great deal of comfort.

It's Just That

2009-01-26T23:45:00.000+08:00

It's not that i don't have hope anymore.
It's just that these days, I hope I can hope.

It's not that I don't have faith anymore.
It's just that I have faith that faith will come.

It's not that I don't trust anymore.
It's just that I trust otherwise right now.

It's not that I've given up now.
It's just that I'm on the verge of giving up on myself.

The Motive of Timing

2009-01-26T21:25:00.001+08:00

Isn't it just obvious that when you want to spend time with someone, then you actually make the effort to set time aside to do just that rather than just spend time with them when you're free?

It's sort of a thing about priorities. Which happened first - making plans to spend time together or time getting freed up.

Technicality perhaps. Somewhat a question of motive as well though.

Urgh.

Detach

2009-01-13T01:00:00.001+08:00

This is such an intriguing sensation. This detachment.
I feel like I'm floating somewhere above myself. Watching myself talk, behave, misbehave.
While I watch myself want to be depressed, angry, frustrated, & give up,
From here, this lovely detached place, I can hear myself think.
I can take a deep breath of cool air, & I can think, & feel & emote.
Somehow, it's in being detached, that I'm happy.

Mental Rape

2009-01-12T20:30:00.000+08:00

I'm watching an episode of Oprah as I type this, & this episode is on women raped by their husbands. It's definitely educating for women trapped in a similar situation & in a way, it's sort of a public education message that Oprah's trying to send out.

However, I hate the way Oprah asks her guest - who's already been through so much, who's actually got the courage to come on to this show & talk about her horrific experience, so that another woman might realise that she has a way out & that just because she's gotten into a sexually abusive marriage, she has to stay in one - "So, if you went into another house and another woman told you that in the exact same scenario, her husband had forced himself on her, would that be rape to you?" and her guest says, yes, hangs her head, probably yet again thinking how she could not have realised that she was being raped by her husband....& Oprah says "We'll be right back." & uses her guest's pain, regret & embarrassment as a cliff-hanger moment to go on an advertisement break & still keep her audience watching.

In Between

2009-01-10T12:30:00.000+08:00

I don't like that he still thinks of me as a little girl in some ways.
Most of the time, it doesn't show. He expects & grants that I've grown up & can decide things for myself. I'm expected to carry my weight & given the freedom that comes along with so doing.

But sometimes. Mostly when I least expect it. Sometimes it shows that he doesn't accept that I'm no longer a little girl. I know I'll always be his little girl, but at those times, I want to shock him into realising that I've grown up & that he needs to trust that. I want to, but I don't.

Passings & Priorities

2009-01-08T00:30:00.000+08:00

I've finally got a part-time job, thanks to TigerGirl!
I'll be working with her Monday, Wednesdays & Fridays, & Thursday afternoons, & have Uni Tuesdays & Thursdays.
I'm looking forward to keeping busy, regaining my interest in the law & spending time with TigerGirl, who I've much missed these past few months.

The one thing I have to keep in my is that it's my course that ought to be full-time & the work that's meant to be part-time. I'm quite sure I'll want to swap the two around by priority, but I must resist. I've handled the first semester pretty well & I cannot afford to mess up the second semester.

I want to be able to do both & I'll definitely do my damnedest to. I hope it all works out. I want a good semester ahead - busy, productive & good grades. Perhaps a fortnight away to top it all off before the next stage begins.

Fret

2009-01-04T23:40:00.003+08:00

I'm getting so very restless here.
Mentally & physically.
Which in a way explains the recent bout of swimming & gymming. I figure if I keep myself occupied & tire myself out, I can cheat myself into believing I can get rid of this restless feeling.
The truth is that it isn't working.

I thought getting away to Vietnam for a few days would help. But somehow that's made me want to travel even more. Voraciously.

I'm reading more, & reading better quality writing too. The Colour Purple, The Blind Assasin, March, Possession. I read legal writings on human rights, articles on sentencing & jurisprudential thought. I do cross-word puzzles & read articles off bbc.co.uk, independent.co.uk, guardian.co.uk, nytimes.com. Commentary &, Arts & Culture are always my favorite.

And when I need a breather, I dream. About the courses I want to take up. The LLM, two postgraduate diplomas, conversational mandarin, carnatic music, veenai. About the places I want to go. Edypt, the Meditarranean, the Carribeans, Canada, Europe, South Africa, Goa, Australia & New Zealand, Cambodia. Southampton. England. I dream of the places I want to live. Of the lives I could live, if I wasn't who I am, if I weren't where I am.

Then just as I reach the verge of tipping over & being miserable & depressed, I get up, do something else & distract myself from my restlessness all over again.

Unwanted Guilt

2009-01-04T01:40:00.000+08:00

I went to the gym this past afternoon & did a reasonable amount of exercise (by my paltry standards, naturally). Following which, I had a light lunch which was really simple, healthy & yummy. A very good lunch by any standards. I was comfortable & I lay in bed, reading & dozing off once in a while. It was a good afternoon. Generally relaxing with a touch of achievement from the gym session.

The day topped off with dinner with the extended family at my aunt's place, & gatherings at my aunt's place are always notable for the abundance of delicious food. My notion of a diet is eating whatever I want, whenever I want, & the combination of the very good food & my more-than-usual hunger saw me making my way through two plates of dinner & three bowls of dessert (I have no willpower whatsoever in the face of ras malai.).

I've been quite lucky so far, when it comes to food & my weight. I have had a reasonably high metabolic rate thus far & it has only been since The Father has stepped up on his claims that my metabolic rate will soon be drastically dropping & then I'll be piling on weight unless I start watching what I eat & getting more active, that I've been trying to exercise at all.

Tonight, for the first time in many many years, I felt actually guilty about the amount I had eaten for dinner & sat about contemplating how I had pretty much killed the good of the afternoon's gym session with the over-indulging at dinner.

I don't like the feeling. I don't like having to feel guilty about eating & enjoying massively what I eat. I'm going to keep on trying to get some sort of exercise on a regular basis, but I don't think I'm ready just yet to really start watching what I eat. I'm hoping that's some time away.

Alternate

2009-01-03T17:00:00.000+08:00

I try to exercise these days.
I conceal the shadows under my eyes.
I haven't prayed in a long while.
I sleep at odd hours of the day.
I read every spare minute I have.
I dream of the time I had away; &
I wish for that life to return.
I look forward to a different life.
I imagine more than I recall.
I try not to forget there's today.

Cerulean Cashmere Aspirations

2009-01-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

Most festive, heartfelt & hopeful wishes for two thousand & nine to all. I hope the changes the past year has brought have been welcome & that you are looking forward to changes & personal growth that this new year brings to you.

Every year, I choose a name that I feel & believe shapes the person I am & the values I seek for myself.I've loved the name I've been using is the one that I love the most of the names I've used in the past & part of me would like to keep using the name for another year. On the other hand, I'm looking forward to the way I can grow with a new name & changes that I bring to myself with it. This year, I move on to Cerulean Cashmere Aspirations.

Cerulean, referring to a blueish-green shade, arose out of the Latin caeruleus, caelulum, & caelum, which were used to refer to the colour of the heavens & the sky. Merely the word, makes me want to look up into the skies, bask in the sun & wait for the stars to be seen. Both literally & figuratively, cerulean makes me want to look up, be positive, patient & just believe that good things are coming my way.

Cashmere, the natural fibre, is famous for its softness, lightweight & incredible warmth. This year, I want to be less rough, less prone to temper, more calm, more collected & find more of my strength. It is these that I want to remind myself of with cashmere.

I was debating for sometime between aspirations & adaptations to complete my new name. The choice eventually became simple: I don't want to simply be malleable to that which comes along, I want to do so, but keeping in view something that I want to achieve. I want to keep dreaming, keep looking for new things to do, keep on aspiring.

I am thankful for Amaranthine Mystic Desires & cherise the year that passed with the name. This year, I move on to Cerulean Cashmere Aspirations.

Clearing Cobwebs

2008-12-29T02:00:00.002+08:00

I've been thinking a great deal about this past year & the plans for the upcoming one. I've graduated from uni, moved back to Sg, am living at home with The Family & have The Friends around at closer range. I've started a new course, have my own transport, am generally settled back in & sometimes, rather restless for adventure again.

At times I'm content with watching tomorrows unfold as the come by & at other times, I like knowing what lies ahead. Sometimes I feel my life moving forwards, sometimes staying stagnant, & sometimes I feel for every one step I take forward, I somehow take three steps backwards. [Digression: I think that's what disturbs me most about rugby - the notion that running forward is coupled with backward passes.]

These are my particular conflicts of thought:

Home
I love the creature-comforts of home & having my parents around as a sounding board always. That being said, I miss the freedom of doing what I wanted as & when I chose to, I miss the independence of living alone, & the sense of satisfaction that I could provide for myself & be independent. Granted I was never entirely alone, I wasn't financially independent, & The Parents give me all the freedom I want & need.

Work
The LLB has been achieved as I have wanted it to be & I enjoyed the final year so much that I'd go do it all over again. I will always know that the honours I received was well worth the effort & sacrifices & the entire course has been an experience that I will always treasure. However, that the much-desired, much-worked-for qualification isn't yet sufficient to go on to work in the chosen profession is exhausting & frustrating. The present course is not something that gives me much joy or satisfaction, & the course I would greatly love to involve myself is financially out of reach for the time being. That just leaves me apathetic to the present course & craving for the out-of-reach course. I don't like not enjoying what I'm doing & having to do it for the sake of things.

Love
It's wonderful being in the same country as The Fellow for more than three months at a stretch. More in-person time is being spent together & that brings with it a greater reconciliation between our differences & synchronisation of our harmonies. In some ways I love the comfort & ease that's arisen out for the past three years, & in other ways, I cannot help but think that we missed out on something because I was geographically away for most of those three years & that somethign can never be recovered or recreated.

Friendship
My constants are my constant. I am always thankful they remain so. We have all grown differently & somehow yet together at the same time. We all have our varied commitments & control factors to work around, but it gives me great comfort that we seem to make the effort to keep in contact & within each others' lives. There's not much confusion on this area; just hope that the effort always remains.

Money
I would like some that I've earned, thank you very much. Granted, I won't be too picky on this issue. I'm reasonably happy with money that I haven't specifically worked for, but I will draw the line at unconscionably begotten money.

I am looking forward to next year. Things will change, I will grow differently as will those around me. It will take effort to retain the togetherness & that is effort I'm willing to make. There are the life-moments I'm looking forward to, particularly the ones for which the plans have been stewing for a while now & the spontaneous ones that will come by as & when life wills them to. There really isn't anything that I regret this past year & I do look forward to what life has in store for next year.

Late

2008-11-06T14:30:00.000+08:00

You didn't say you'd be late.
You didn't text or call when you were late.
You didn't have an issue that I was waiting for you.
You didn't even apologise for being late till you saw how angry I was about it.

It's not the first time. Not even the twelfth or thirty-fifth.
It's definitely not going to be the last time.
So much for statements that I expect you to be late all the time & that's why you are,
That I ought to give to a chance to be otherwise.

I'm tired of your claims that you're going to be on time.
I'm tired for having to sit around waiting for you,
Simply because you have neither sense of time,
Nor respect for the notion that I'm waiting.

So, I'm not forgiving your lack of punctuality, I'm not enabling it, & I'm not waiting anymore.

Essential

2008-11-02T23:35:00.002+08:00

I need to stop needing you so much.
It's not doing my sanity much good
This needing you & not being needed back.

Got It

2008-11-01T12:30:00.001+08:00

I want to be that girl who has her own thing.
Do what I want to as I want to &
Not ~~have to~~ bother about what anyone else thinks,
Or live on any other schedule than my own.

So I figure I should just be that girl. I was that girl for four years.
Nothing's changed so much that I shouldn't still be.

After Thought

2008-10-30T13:15:00.000+08:00

Perhaps it's not being clingy.
Perhaps it's just that I'm trying too much.
Or at all.

Cling-Wrap

2008-10-27T21:00:00.000+08:00

I think I'm getting too clingy with you these days. I can't entirely tell.
Sometimes I feel like by so being, I can get closer to you.
Sometimes I know that the same behaviour could make you run.
I'm still trying to figure out why the sudden insecurity in me.
What it is that I'm missing from myself that I'm trying to get from you.
I know it doesn't work that way; I'm working on getting there.
Just be a bit more patient with me please, as much as that is to ask.

Conjure

2008-10-20T22:05:00.001+08:00

For every fortnight that I think I'm moving along from being a uni student in Southampton to being one in Singapore, I have one day to depress myself over not being a uni student in Southampton anymore.

Today is one of the latter days.

I'm actually trying to conjure up the feeling of walking up Glen Eyre Road, piled up in countless layers of clothes, with the wind in my face & the smell of cool rain in the air.

Awe

2008-10-10T15:35:00.002+08:00

I finally have a very fantastic Company Law lecturer.

He's thorough, this notes are extremely comprehensive, his lectures follows his notes neatly & clearly, & he doesn't go skipping around bits of the topic.

I haven't understood Company Law as clearly as I have these past two days.
The guy ought to be the model for all law lecturers, I say.

Capacity

2008-10-06T22:30:00.000+08:00

One of the things I treasure most about my years in Southampton is the sense of competence I had there.

Every decision I made there was mine, & the consequences are those that I had to accept as well. Which is both natural & simple to accept since contemplating consequences is a part of the entire decision-making process.

I won't say that every decision I made there was an easy one or that the solution was always clear to me. I had a great deal of help with weighing up the options that I had & considering alternatives. But every decision was mine. There was no-one to second guess me there, save for myself with the perfect vision of hindsight. Enjoying consequences boosted my confidence and coping with consequences taught me important lessons.

Above all else, I felt I could take on whatever came my way. I felt I had the ability to make an on-the-spot decision that would affect myself and others around me. I felt I could consider possibilities and choose what suited me for the long-run. I felt I could take care of myself and others. I was confident I could choose; I was confident I could fend.

I don't feel those things anymore. I don't have the confidence I had then.

Options are a good thing, but lately I've been faced with a number of incidents that occur on a regular basis where I make a decision & have that decision either second-guessed or opposed in favour of the opposer's own preference. I'm left lacking confidence in my own abilities & having nagging doubts about every decision I make, those for the immediate short-run being far more prominent.

I'm an independent person. I've always liked making my own choices, appreciated the opportunity to learn from the mistakes that I've made & welcomed a new challenge to my abilities. Yes, it's flattering to have someone want to take care of me & want to make sure I don't have my knees scraped, my head hurt or my temper tossed. There's a fine line, though, between such flattery & being wrapped in bubble-wrap.

I don't like being wrapped in bubble-wrapped & I don't like being second-guessed on every decision I make. I don't want to be directed all the time & I don't appreciate being instructed on what to do always.

Most of all, I don't like being left doubting my own capabilities.

Language Barriers

2008-10-01T23:00:00.001+08:00

Having spent four years in sometimes-sunny Southampton, I've had numerous conversations on the geographic location, demography, & linguistic make-up of Singapore. Conversations that generally included responses from me such as:

"No, Singapore is not part of China."

"Yes, English is my first language."

"No, Singaporean does not equate to being Chinese."

"Yes, they have Indians in Singapore."

"Erm....no, my driving licence is in English & not in Chinese."

"No, being Singaporean by nationality & Indian by race doesn't mean I'm an Indian citizen."

& my all time favourite,

"Yes, I can speak English at all. How else do you think I've been reading Law in England for three years now?"

So after having quite fastidiously defended Singapore's multi-cultural & multi-lingual positions (& her geographic location), to come back and find myself surrounded by a growing number of service-sector employees who can't speak English is really quite a culture shock. More so considering that this is my country & I figured I was rather used to the culture here.

A number of restaurants (yesterday's included!), fashion apparel stores & sundry stores I've been to recently employ staff who can only speak Mandarin. Save for the sole English line that sounds along the lines of "No spik Engrish!". Oddly enough I haven't encountered service staff who can only speak either Malay or Tamil in multi-lingual Singapore.

This evening's encounter has taken the piece of cake.
I was at Delifrance at Lot 1 Shopping Centre, asking if they had pastry & coffee menus rather than a dinner menu.
The response I received from the waiter was "Wo pu chi tau (Mandarin for "I don't understand"). You spik Chinese?" accompanied by a look of shock that a Singaporean couldn't speak Mandarin.
I asked for a member of the service staff who could speak English.

English is our one of our four official languages & our language of business & commerce.
What with Singapore trying to promote herself so heavily as a tourism hub, a global city & a must-see-Asian-attraction-for-the-Western-world, the service industry playing so vital a role in our economy & all that sort of jazz, perhaps it's really time we ensure that our people, particularly service sector persons, are able to speak English.

As far as my Mandarin skills go, wo pu chi tau Mandarin.

Another Currency

2008-10-01T21:40:00.002+08:00

I figure umbrellas are a lot like money.

They're always around when I don't particularly need them urgently, but there's never one in my bag when I need one desperately.

I always seem to have a plastic bag that could safely contain a small, wet umbrella but is never large enough to cover my head with. Just like how I always seem to brandish my ATM card to pay & get rebuked with a scornful "Cash only. No NETs.". The plastic just doesn't seem to work as well as the real thing.

I definitely need to save one/some for a rainy day.

Toddler Step

2008-10-01T01:30:00.002+08:00

The world seems a little bit more balanced today, & I think the dinner date with the girls was the key.

Tonight was the first night in a long while that I've felt absolutely at ease with myself, my surroundings & my place in those surroundings. And there's something about a simple dinner date with close girlfriends that is so very renewing.

We had pretty good vegetarian food at this hidden-away place found by The Fellow (Warning: You must be able to speak Mandarin in order to communicate with the staff here. Else, bug someone at the next table to please convey your order to the staff & remain prepared for ingredients specifically requested to not appear in your order, to so unwantedly appear.), followed by amazing dessert & coffee at TCC. Even without the dinner, dessert & coffee though, an evening with the girls is always fantastic. The conversation & the ensuing laughter are sufficient to bring be back to a sort of equilibrium.

Nights out with the girls is something I've always relished, & now that we're a mix of working, studying & working-while-studying women, our schedules don't commonly free up as much as we'd like for them to. In a way, that makes the time we do get even more special for me. I don't know exactly how just yet, but I know I intend to make certain that, despite the inevitable increase in our various commitments, we girls manage to have dinner together every once in a while.

I know I definitely need time with the girls to preserve whatever semblance to sanity I possess.

Boomerang

2008-09-29T02:35:00.002+08:00

I haven't written here in almost two months now.

Everytime I write something, it sounds like I'm whining, complaining or simply being a petulant immature child.

Now, it still might be a little bit of all of that, but hopefully it's something more as well.

I've heard that I should be moving on from Southampton. Perhaps, I should be. It's been three months. I've got loving relations of blood and choice here, a beautiful house, a comfortable room of my own, & soon, wheels of my own as well. Tangibly, there's nothing I'm in want of.

Tangibly.

Intangibly, there's a rather phantom pain within me. I can't say what it is that hurts. How can I pin-point something that isn't there? I can say what used to be in its place; what could be that which hurts if it were there, but the simplest retort to that is "If it isn't there now, how can it hurt?"

I've left freedom & choice behind. I'm playing someone else's game by someone else's rules here. And it's not a game I want to play. I'm being forced into playing.

For four whole years, I've lived on my own terms, my own rules. I made my days, I ruined my days. I planned my days to the minute, & impulsively threw my plans away.

For four years, I led a life that I feel that I lived to the fullest extent that I could want to.

That phantom pain has something to do with something being unfulfilled as well, I believe.

I heard an analogy that my leaving that life, is like my ending a relationship. I have to move on, for my own emotional well-being. Perhaps, it is so. It doesn't mean that I won't have feelings still. It doesn't mean I won't remember still. It does mean that I'll pine away a lot more silently, to put up a pretence that I'm moving on.

That's another thing I'm going to have to start doing again. Being more silent with what's going through my mind & heart. I've given my word a few times recently, on matters I won't bring up anymore, or for some stipulated period of time. I used to be quite good at that sort of thing before I left four years ago, I think. It;s just a part of me that I need to rediscover.

Find, or fight for, peace, independence, choice & my own silence. That's my latest to-do list.

Because taking flight is no longer an option for me.

Graduate

2008-07-31T00:30:00.000+08:00

Graduation day was absolutely amazing. The weather was gorgeously sunny, the family was there, uni friends were there. The ceremony was simple, traditionally english, & absolutely elegant. The day post-ceremony was a bit more rushed than I'd have liked & I missed photographs with a few friends, lecturers & the graduating law class. Overall though, the day was amazing, is everything I thought it would be & will be etched in memory always.

On the other hand, leaving Southampton was so very depressing. I know I'll go back to visit & all, but the notion that I'll never really live there again is taking quite a lot of getting used to. I love the student life there, but can't picture myself working and living there. I miss living amongst friends, generally independently, slightly vagabond-ishly, & miss the city a great deal. I'm still getting used to the notion of living in Singapore permanently.

Damage

2008-07-15T01:30:00.000+08:00

As much as I want to be someone other than who I am most of the time,
Trying to decide whether to be myself & break another, or
Whether to not be myself and break myself
Is quite a leap of a choice.
And yet, there isn't so much a choice
Considering I've been broken for so very long a while
That it doensn't really matter if I break anymore.

Old Shoes

2008-07-03T23:00:00.001+08:00

The thing about old shoes is
They fit incredibly comfortably
But after a while, we forget
How they became the comfortable old shoes
To begin with.

Identify

2008-06-29T22:30:00.001+08:00

I actually can't tell if I feel like I'm lost again or if I feel like I've found myself.

Sometimes I think I'm taking things as they come, & other times, I think I'm waiting for something to happen before I can make my decisions.

Most of the time though, I think I'm trying so hard to be myself that I don't know if I actually am myself or if I'm creating another version of myself.

Pleased

2008-06-24T21:10:00.000+08:00

I'm rather intrigued as to how particular aspects of my life appear to be quite on track as I would like them to be & I find myself to be floundering & trying to find my way in the dark in other aspects.

I suppose for everything to be rather on track would be simply too good to be true. At least this way, I can tell I am living in reality.

Left Over

2008-06-16T01:20:00.001+08:00

I cannot help it.
I want to run away back to England.
It's so much easier being the odd one out long distance.

Adaptation

2008-06-13T02:20:00.000+08:00

So it's finally done. Over with. Completed.
I'm back home & the notion of "Home Forever" is dawning upon me more like a trailer truck thundering in my direction, than a beautiful warn sunrise.
Yes, there's a certain degree of over-exaggeration to that.
In any case, I'm home & in the process of settling in. My bags are half (un)packed & I'm coming to terms with the humidity, the taxis that never stop during rain storms & the Singlish.
By the way, is it just me or are there a variety of forms of Singlish now?
I am also still trying to find my ability to eat boiling hot & spicy food in the middle of the afternoon, when all I really want is a cold salad & iced coffee.

I've been doing incredibly touristy things since I got back, such as taking photographs of the Singapore ~~Eye~~ Flyer, taking the train in the wrong direction, flagging down the wrong bus & upon realising it, shaking my head vigorously with a mix of a sheepish & goofy smile on my face till the bus driver laughs & mentally picturing one train station when I'm actually referring to another. The truth is, even though I've applied for postgraduate programmes here, & am applying for jobs and pupillage placements here, I still feel like I'm only here for a while & I'm going back to crazy England soon. I guess taking things one day at a time is that best way to get used to all that I have to & settle back into a new version of normalcy once more.

For now, I think I need another long cool shower. Then I shall put away whatever clothes I've piled up on my bed & curl up with a good book till I fall asleep, which shouldn't be too long away. I've had a lovely day with friends & my feet are red with the tire of walking in heels.

"Adapt or perish, now as ever, is nature's inexorable imperative."
~ H.G.Wells ~

Finale

2008-06-03T23:45:00.002+08:00

One last paper to go.
In three days time, my entire undergraduate university life comes to a close.
Yipes.

Mourn

2008-05-16T21:25:00.002+08:00

I walked in as Death walked out today
Her discards were wrecked, broken, bloodied.
And her cruelty was last met
With sheer terror in his eyes.
He was once beautiful, mocking & brave.
Protective of his own, rude, graceful & temperamental.
That his end may have been quick, fails yet to
Weigh out the viciousness he last faced.
The best I can do for him anymore is
To simply remember him past his passing.
For to pass unremembered, unnoticed, could only be
A cruelty of the worst manner.

Twilight

2008-05-11T03:20:00.004+08:00

Right now,
In this zone where the virtual is reality,
A little black window
Sitting on the left bottom corner of my screen
Is so much of my connection to you.
I can't wait for reality to become reality.
It's only days away now.

Swefn

2008-05-07T06:00:00.000+08:00

No longer do I close my eyes to dream
Hereon, I close my eyes, & lay my head to rest
To stop the wishing, dreaming, &
Elaborate airborne castle building.
For a little while, at least.

Charm

2008-05-06T06:40:00.000+08:00

All the very best to you my love.
You deserve nothing less than that,
And everything that's more.

Trapped

2008-05-05T07:00:00.000+08:00

I have nowhere else to escape to
And it would seem,
There's so much for me to escape from.
Where do I go to from here?

Hot Dates

2008-04-26T23:25:00.001+08:00

The draft exam timetables have been appropriately leaked out to us & it appears mine is as follows.
May 27th - Public International Law
June 3rd - International Protection of Human Rights
June 6th - Admiralty Law

It is expected that they're all morning papers, so I really have to get used to be at my most alert from 9am till 1pm. I'm vey thankful for the reasonable gap between papers, due to my tendency to forget the work from other modules when I study for each paper, and due to the workload that persists. I dread the exams to a certain level, but the knowledge that they are quite inevitable placates somewhat, and the inkling I have so far of my glee on the afternoon of the 6th of June or the next day, more than well cheers.

Still, if only I were speaking of any other variation on the phrase 'hot dates'.

Being Wile E.

2008-04-23T04:55:00.003+08:00

You know those cartoons
Where Wile E. Coyote tries to kill the Roadrunner by various means
And inevitably has a bounder drop on him
Or a bulldozer run him over
Or fall off a cliff.

I presently feel like I fell off a cliff, had a bulldozer run me over & then had a boulder drop on me.
And the roadrunner...the roadrunner just beeped at me in a laugh & sped right past.

I probably deserved the fall, the running over and the boulder on my head.
But do I really deserve to be left there just like that?

Gone

2008-04-19T06:00:00.001+08:00

I won't say so anymore,
Or ask.
I'll just be. Gone.
Begone.

The Person Right Now

2008-04-17T21:55:00.001+08:00

As much as I try, I cannot envision where I'll be, how I'll be, what I'll be doing or even who I'll be exactly two months from today. So this is sort of a mental note to whoever I'll be two months from now.

Today, I finally had a Human Rights tutorial from which I left understanding most of what went on in class, & it seems, for the first time, that the tutor may not think I'm a complete idiot. I asked sensible questions & he answered with a mildly surprised look on his face.

I've been working on PIL revision since I got back. It hasn't been going wonderfully, but it's steady progress. I'm understanding the stuff I'm writing out & I believe I will be able to remember it.

Amma left back yesterday & has arrived safely. I miss her enormously, but mostly I try not to think of missing her & think rather of seeing her again in two months. Today is the 28th monthaversary; I'll get to celebrate the 30th monthaversary with him in person, I hope.

The next eight weeks are going to zip past faster than I'll know; the days are already running into each other. I have so many plans for after these finals that I really should make a list of all the things I want to accomplish in the short term.

Today, I'm in a generally quiet mood, reflective, disjointed, trying to concentrate on revision & mildly disengaged from the surroundings. I have much to be thankful for & much to miss. The sun is out, but the winds are chill. The trees are finally beginning to regain their leaves, & every single colour seems fuller, brighter & richer today.

Today, I'm trying to make a mental imprint of the person I am thus far. If I'm not this same person two months from now who I am today, I at least want to remember the person I am today.

Instantly

2008-04-13T07:20:00.000+08:00

It's not that I haven't got anything to say right now. It's just that there's so much going on right now & it'll all come to an end so soon, that right now I want to enjoy being in the whirlwind of the final stretch, & drink it all in.

In so many ways, I can't imagine not living here. Not living this portion of my life here.

As much as I'm looking forward to the next part of life, leaving this part scares me. Going back scares me.

I'm can't think of that now. Right now, I have to simply savour every last morsel of what I have right here, right now.

Looking for Singapore Culture

2008-04-06T05:45:00.003+08:00

After a very long while, I've read a newspaper article that I completely love. It's not just the ideas contained in the article - that we seem so obsessed with finding something in common with us all to grasp to and point to as a symbol of identity, rather than simply enjoying the differences - that caught my attention, but the use of language and the amused tone with which the writer writes.

From the TODAYonline of this day, & with my admiration for the style of writing, comes the article Looking for Singapore Culture.

Therewith Aback

2008-04-03T19:30:00.001+08:00

There was something I wanted to write earlier this morning. I thought long & hard over it, put it into the perfect words in the most concise manner, and decided I would throw some caution to the wind in publishing the post.

Now here I am, not typing the post. As much as I still want to, it doesn't appear reasonable or fair to anymore. I wonder what is it that occurred in the last four hours that made me change my mind.

Epiphany

2008-04-03T00:15:00.000+08:00

I've spontaneously realised two things that I've always known, but never really accepted.

One, that I'll never be the person I was not-too-long-ago again.
Two, that its more difficult to deal with the realisation that I'm holding on to the past & must let it go, than actually let the past go.

I have an uncontrollable urge to be happy being unseen & unnoticed.
I have an uncontrollable urge to want to be forgotten.
Another one of those things that I can't explain.

Abstinence

2008-03-29T08:00:00.003+08:00

I find there are certain writings & things I can no longer read.
Unless I have a suicide wish.

Because when I do, there's this stabbing sensation of something bilious & wild that can't possibly be anything other than jealousy.

It's only when I try my very hardest, when my conscious kicks my sub-conscious into subdue & submission, that I can realise that I'm happy for the writer.

Except that almost immediately to follow, my conscious and sub-conscious dejectedly question: so why can't I? And I have no answer to that.

If they press on to ask, I'll blame the lines on my palms and pre-written fate.

Perhaps I should think of it as a penance of sorts.

Saree Dreams

2008-03-27T10:15:00.000+08:00

I really really want a cow print (medium-to-large cow spots against white) chiffon saree with a short white cap-sleeved cotton-silk blouse and black lace trimmings on the edges of the blouse.

It'll look really mad, I realise, but I think it'll be really mad in a very funky way.

It can be so problematic when I know exactly what I want down to the last detail. Anyone seen anything like that?

Wants & Musts

2008-03-23T01:15:00.001+08:00

We’ve been seeing hail & wild gusts of wind this Easter weekend. Hail is gorgeous to watch, but it’s the alternating interspersion of bouts of hail and streams of sunshine that has really caught my attention.

I’d like almost nothing more than to be sitting in a very comfortable armchair, with my feet tucked under me, a warm heater nearby & a good book in hand, & to be able to watch the mood of the skies change from hour to hour. Observe the delighted sunshine & displeased hail battle it out for the best of the day, with the chill, breath-catching winds always playing the soother.

***

Before my wants run away with myself, I had better stop dreaming. I’ve somehow ended up with too much seemingly essential information to fill my Human Rights essay with & I really must sift through the deluge that is my essay outline/topic “summary”.

And then I have to start work for the Admiralty essay that covers far more topics that ought to be squashed into a single essay.

I suddenly realise that these are the last two essays I’ll properly type in my undergraduate life. It’s almost as if these essays now have a tinge of nostalgia to them. Emo-freaky.

A Mini-History lesson on Singapore

2008-03-20T01:24:00.001+08:00

Memory

2008-03-06T08:30:00.002+08:00

The most memorable song from Cats, & more than anything, this is the one song that'll help me get through this night. Probably through the next few days as well.
Sung by Elaine Page & Sarah Brightman, with music by Andrew Lloyd Webber, this song constantly has the hair on my arms standing. Perhaps it will ring true as much for you, as it does for me.

Memory
Turn your face to the moonlight
Let your memory lead you
Open up, enter in
If you find there the meaning of what happiness is
Then a new life will begin

Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again

Burnt out ends of smoky days
The stale cold smell of morning
The street-lamp dies, another night is over
Another day is dawning

Daylight
I must wait for the sunrise
I must think of a new life
And I mustn't give in
When the dawn comes
Tonight will be a memory too
And a new day will begin

Sunlight through the trees in summer
And there's masquerading
Like a flower as the dawn is breaking
The memory is fading

Touch me
It's so easy to leave me
All alone with the memory
Of my days in the sun
If you touch me
You'll understand what happiness is

Look
A new day has begun

Alphabetically So

2008-03-05T06:00:00.000+08:00

The quiz comes from a particular blog I check everyday & avidly read, even though I rarely comment. =)
*****

A -Available?
Depends on who & what for.

B-Best friend:
Correction. Best friends. I have three. And I could never choose between them.

C-Cake or Pie?
Depends...Generally cake..unless there's a cherry pie involved.

D-Drink of choice:
Coffee. Green Tea. Lychee Martini.

E-Essential thing used everyday:
My keen ability to procrastinate & innate laziness. Except those aren't things. They're habits.
I guess my toothbrush. I definitely brush my teeth everyday.

F-Favourite colour:
The constant is still green, although I'm very into purple right now...especially the purple and silvery-grey combination.

G-Gummi bears or worms:
Neither actually. Marshmellows. Yum.

H-Hometown:
Singapore.

I-Indulgence:
Food - desserts in particular...dresses when the bank account allows it. I'm currently contemplating two. Why, I don't know.

J-January or February:
February.

K-Kids and names:
No kids presently. No intention of adopting baby goats either. One name for myself. Gifted by the parents upon my birth.

L-Life:
None at present either. Admiralty, International Human Rights & Public International Law leaves too little time to actually pursue having a life.

M-Marriage date:
Once again, none at present. No intentions of having more than one either.

N-Number of siblings:
One.

O-Oranges or apples:
Oranges if they're mandarins & apples if they're Royal Galas or Red Delicious-s

P-Phobias:
Cockroaches. Although I'm not sure if that fear truly classifies as a phobia. While it may be an excessive fear considering that I scream & run even at dead cockroaches, it would appear that I'm actually allergic to cockroaches, and thus, the fear may not be unreasonable. The allergy was discovered in a skin test rather than actual contact, thankfully.

I'm contemplating claiming a phobia of achieving all my ambitions & thus having no purpose left in life. Unfortunately, I have no such phobia. It simply remains an excuse for the above mentioned procrastination & laziness.

Q-Quote:
As much as I've quoted others, I've not been quoted to my knowledge. And no, I don't have a particularly favourite quote.

R-Reason to smile:
The family. The friends. The fellow. Waking up to sunshine. Pretty dresses. Numerous. Always greedy for more.

S-Season:;
I can't decide between spring and summer.

T-Tag three people:
I dunno. Anyone who wants to I guess.

U-Unknown fact about me:
I hate it when doors, wardrobes, drawers & the like are neither fully open nor fully closed. They give me suspicious notions.

V-Vegetable you do not like:
Cabbage. Generally, anyway.

W-Worst habit:
The above mentioned procrastination & laziness. I'm working on curing it. Except I seem to procrastinate that too at times.

X-X-rays you have had:
Chest, a few times. Head, a few times. Back & Shoulders. Knees.

Y-Your favourite food:
Anything by Amma, or Cheriamma. And a particular puli-curry =)

Z-Zodiac:
Cancer. There's a reason I get crabby sometimes & retreat into my shell at other times.

Dissertation-ed.

2008-02-28T22:35:00.000+08:00

My Dissertation is finished, printed & bound.
I shall be submitting it within the day.

Towards an Overlapping Consensus between the Occidental & Oriental Approaches to the Death Penalty.
That's the title. I cannot begin to say how thrilled I am about completing the dissertation.

Raghu, thank you so much for all the read-throughs, editing & comments. They've been of so much invaluable help!
Niran, you've been the one to have to put up with all my mood-swings, rantings & stressing over the dissertation since Christmas-time. Thank you for being so supportive & calm, collected & patient with me.

I've been grinning randomly since collecting the dissertation booklet from the Uni Bindery. The sense of achievement and elation is one I'm entirely savouring and sinking myself into.
I'm hoping it lasts well into the next three and a half months, because that's all I have left of my uni life. That reflection though, is for another day.

Today, I'm still rejoicing. =)

The Rings

2008-02-25T10:30:00.000+08:00

Yes, when I dream, I dream extravagantly.
I cannot help it.
I want the pair of rings.

Lost

2008-02-24T11:40:00.001+08:00

Suddenly, I'm certain,
That with everything I've gained here,
A part of me is gone.
The part that was settled & satisfied.
And I know that it'll never again be
That I fit in, in a crowd;
I'll always be the fly on the wall,
Or perhaps even the wallpaper.
That a chunk of me will always be

Lost.

Night Ghasts

2008-02-23T00:30:00.000+08:00

Things have not been seeming very rosy lately. Other than living in a perpetual fog of distraction, I haven't been sleeping well. I am unable to fall asleep at night & even less able to wake up in the mornings. The hours that I do sleep, are filled with fitful sleep & peppered with nightmares. Last night's was particularly ghastly.

A very beautifully bound copy of my dissertation lay on my desk in my room at home, while I lay on my bed reading a book (Philip Pullman's Northern Lights, actually). Suddenly, there's a roar & the dissertation morphs into a huge cockroach, about two feet long. Absolutely disgusting. It runs around my floor still roaring, till it realises that I've jumped up on my bed, screaming. It then proceeds to try to climb up on the bed, still roaring, except that now it's screaming out "You ruined my existence with your rubbish writing! I hate you! You ruined me! I will kill you & eat you!". It actually placed its forelegs on my bed and began pulling itself up to carry out its threats when I finally jolted out of bed.

Like I wasn't terrified enough of cockroaches to begin with.
*Shudder*

Hallmark Dedications

2008-02-14T11:00:00.004+08:00

Happy Valentines Day to all my lovelies.

The Family (whether you see this or not),
Ningal illyanda njyaan illya. Enthaayaalum njyaan evadeyunde. Eapporzhum.
Ningal illyatha jeevitham ende manasine ariyillya.
Velare velare snehamunnde. Eapporzhum.

Highpriestess, Lavathena, Tiger Girl, & DrinkyDanceBoy,
I cannot begin to say how much I love u guys & I could never hope for better best friends than you. So much of who I am is thanks to you.
I will always treasure that, and always, always treasure you.
Much love.

Wishy, BeakBrother, Lotus, Scandal, Mystique, Songstress,
I miss you all millions & look forward to adding many more to the memories with you.
Much love to you too.

Fellow,
How do I possibly start to write to you?
You are my motivation, my inspiration, my friend, my confidant.
You are the one I want to turn to first, in glee, tears, unsettlement or temper.
You are the one I want to share everything with.
The recent past has not been easy for us, I know, but things will get better. So soon.
Things will never always be smooth-sailing, but I'm certain we'll always make it through intact.
I'm blessed for your love, support, patience, temperament & solidity.
I love you very much, & I always will, come what may.

I would also like to introduce Moo.
A present from Tiger Girl, pardon the irony.
Tiger Girl, thank you so much again, & I apologise for the waterworks.

Happy Valentine's Day to my all.
I hope all your days are of love, of any & every kind.

Surprises

2008-02-14T02:15:00.000+08:00

You know what surprises me the most?
That this doesn't surprise me at all any more.

Blue Ink on White Lined Paper

2008-02-13T08:15:00.000+08:00

I run my fingers over the familiar ink, the familiar paper, the familiar card
It feels almost like yesterday, except
I know it's been many yesterdays since.
Perhaps a few too many.
There's no point my thinking though,
When you're the one who refuses to realise.
The magic of ink & paper & card.
The magic of the visual.
A part of me wants to believe it's still possible,
Another part had given up hope, &
The last part doesn't want to care, but does.

Checks in the Dark

2008-02-13T05:00:00.000+08:00

There are so many things I might say to you
Only if...

There are so many thing I wish you would know
If only...

The Unstoppable Signs

2008-02-12T02:40:00.000+08:00

The headaches just keep getting worse and worse.
My concentration is sporadic &
My moods are constantly spiralling downwards as the day goes on.
Most of all, I suddenly have nothing to look forward to.

Insecurities

2008-02-10T03:36:00.000+08:00

Lorelai: Let me be a part of it.
Luke: No.
Lorelai: Why?
Luke: Because it's too soon.
Lorelai: Why is it too soon?
Luke: Because the moment you get involved in her life, it will be all over for me.
Lorelai: What? That's ridiculous!
Luke: No, it's not ridiculous!... I wouldn't want to hang out with me either after meeting someone like you.
Lorelai: Luke!
Luke: She'll like you better. That's just a fact.
~ Conversation between Lorelai Gilmore & Luke Danes, Gilmore Girls, Season 6, Episode 20. ~

Insecurities. They come in all shapes & sizes.
These are mine.

Clean

2008-02-05T23:45:00.000+08:00

I have water again!
I have finally had my shower & feel human again.
I am in so much better a mood now & can get to work properly. Happily.
There is no luxury like hot, clean, running water.
=)

Waterless

2008-02-05T19:45:00.000+08:00

I cannot help it. I'm just one of those persons who finds showers therapeutic. One of the few things that shake me out of my grouchiness from having to get out of my warm reasonably-comfortable bed is a steaming hot shower. Followed by an almost equally steaming hot mug of coffee.

Which makes today not terribly fun for me. I drag myself out of bed into the shower only to have icy cold water splutter out onto my feet. No warm water, let alone steaming hot water. Apparently, the water is out in our flat.

Now I have a cold, a headache, & the frustration of having wanted to do lots of work today & ending up distracted by said cold & headache. I'm not pleased. Not in the least bit. I don't care how unreasonable it is, I'm blaming it all on the lack of a steaming hot morning shower.

Accommodation had better send someone over to fix the water soon, because I'm not going to feel any better till I have my steaming hot shower, & I'm pretty sure my mood is going downhill till I do. Bah.

**********
Update: Glen Eyre Reception tells us - upon calling them - that the main water pipe serving campus has burst & so pretty much most everywhere is out of water. My entire flat has a grand total of about 5L of water between the six of us. There's no question of washing dishes, so the kitchen should smell mildly putrid by tonight. We're told that it will be at least 5pm before we get any water, and there are men working on the problem, but considering that the workday finishes at 5pm, I'm guessing we're seeing no water till sometimes tomorrow. Welcome to efficient England. Oh, and we haven't been told anything officially anyway - no email from accommodation services or anything. it seems like their official policy is to keep us in the dark, rather than voluntarily offer any information they have. Once again, I'm wondering why we pay so much for these rooms. More than a thousand Sg dollars a month. So not pleased.

Finally

2008-02-04T15:30:00.000+08:00

It's done. Finally.
Last night, just before dinner.
Granted, it's only a draft.
But it's still the majority of the work done.
And it's done.
Hopefully the supervisor doesn't ask me to do too many revisions.
I'll find out soon. The draft goes in today.
The draft dissertation is done.
I can breathe easy (for a while) again.
Much love & thanks to all those who've been supporting me.
Especially to DrinkyDanceBoy & the Fellow for the number of times I've made you read versions of the draft.

Too Much...Perhaps Too Soon

2008-02-02T03:10:00.000+08:00

The thing about human nature is that no matter how much we already have, there more that we want. And the list of human needs is substantially shorter than the list of human wants.

There's quite a number of people I've been missing lately, and I know its not because of any reason but the fact that our lives are so busy. It's only going to get busier, I know. It's odd in a way, how its dawned upon me that we're all so busy catching up with life, that we put off living for another time. One of those things that's just hit me recently I guess.

The other thing that's hit me is how age catches up with us when we're not looking. I'll be twenty-four this year, which is a) not that old, and b) not in itself an issue. Turning twenty-four is nothing shocking or appalling. It's quite a natural step once you've turned twenty-three. It's just that it's suddenly the foreseeable road is quite blatantly obvious to me.

The realisation is that I'm finally going to graduate (plans for Graduation are already well under way!), I'm finally going back home, & be past the first stage in trying to qualify myself. In six or seven months I should be doing my post-graduate diploma, have secured a place for pupillage and have lost my independence to living at home with The Family again. There is the knowledge that I don't really know what to do with myself after I qualify myself, that I don't want to lose my independence, and more than anything else, that I have responsibilities and duties which ~~need~~ deserve fulfilment.

It feels like an entire stage of my life is coming to a close. As much as I'm looking forward to going home, I dread the days that I ship my stuff off, and that I pack up and move out of hostel. I dread the day that I get on a plane back home knowing that I'll never again be a student studying here, that I'll never be living here anymore. And I wonder to myself if I'll actually fit in back home, or if I'll always feel like I belong in the shadowed sidelines. I wonder if I'll completely feel at home, at home anymore.

It's funny how I've become more independent and more confident since I came out here, & yet remained, if not become more, self-conscious and insecure as I was before. Just as it's weird that I meant to write of one thing, have completely side-tracked, & ended up on different notes.

And you can't fight the tears that's not coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
- Iris, Goo Goo Dolls -

Tightrope

2008-01-26T01:15:00.000+08:00

I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope.
Imbalanced, uncertain, blinded in my mind's eye.
There's the fear of the one wrong step
And the ensuing fall.
But there's also the fear of
The step that follows the next right step.
It seems almost easier to decide;
Make the conscious decision to simply
Fall.

Glass Walls

2008-01-21T22:30:00.000+08:00

As much as I know of their existence
And see them before my eyes,
I keep walking into these glass walls
Trying to get beyond.
It could be just me, but
These glass walls seem to be
Closing me in.
Shutting me off from the outside.

Un Thought

2008-01-14T08:00:00.000+08:00

I was thinking, that I haven't really been doing much thinking lately.
That cannot be a good thing.
I don't like it when I'm un-opinionated.

One Last Time

2008-01-09T03:50:00.000+08:00

I've had the most marvellous Christmas break possible.
I've spent hours on end with the The Fellow, the Best Friends & the Family.
Much coffee & alcohol has been drunk, many pratas & desserts been eaten.
Parties have been attended, photographs have been taken,
And more than anything at all, invaluable memories have been made.

The year has spilt into a new year, & coincidently, today marks the Astrological New Year with a new lunar cycle. It seems like a good a reason as any to put the holiday mood behind & pick up the slack (& there's a lot of that to be picked up!). It's back to work now for the next six months & I believe I'm grown up enough to understand just how important the work & effort I put in these next six months are.

Here's looking forward to six months of hard work & coming back home for good.
Love you all.

Girls Reunited

2008-01-03T08:00:00.000+08:00

It is not the best of ideas to put up a blog post when excessively emotional or overly sentimental or not entirely sober. Generally speaking anyway.

But I'm not feeling general right now. Perhaps because I'm not entirely sober. I'm mildly tipsy (or teepsy, as Lavathena would spell it), from the company of my two favourite girls in the world & two cocktails & two shots at Ti Amo tonight.

The point is, tonight, it is not a terrible idea to put up a post. =)

It was supposed to be a Cedar Class of 2000 gathering of sorts tonight. Something that has been spoken of between friends many a time, but never quite worked out. So an effort was made at setting something up for once, but it didn't quite work out as planned.

The wait at Clarke Quay for a half hour resulted in the massive group consisting of Lavathena, the Highpriestess & myself. And the Class of 2000 gathering quickly turned into an outing with my best friends. Not a huge loss there for me, I'm pleased to report.

We had a lovely dinner at Riverside Indonesian Restaurant, attempted to go for drinks at Marrakesh, which was soonest altered to drinks at Ti Amo.

Now, a word of warning. The drinks at Ti Amo, as I've once experienced before & again tonight, are gorgeous tasting on their own & really rather potent when mixed. I should think that is how drink should be, & as a place to enjoy a few drinks, I would heartily recommend. However, as a place to try out numerous drinks & one's own alcohol tolerance level, I would sincerely caution. Mixing Ti Amo's drinks does indeed get heady.

Cautioning over, tonight was a wonderful night. Spending time with my two darlingest girls is something I always love & to do so without prior plan was a definite bonus. This year also marks eleven years of friendship for us, with many ups & downs, much drama & politics. I am however, infinitely thankful, that the three of us have never had politics or drama within ourselves & I cannot enumerate the events & times that I have relied on these girls for support, understanding, advice & listening ears. Lavathena, Highpriestess, I love you girls & am looking forward to many many more years of our friendship.

I am truly happy (in more ways than one) tonight, & am eagerly awaiting tomorrow night.
Goodnight.
=)

Amaranthine Mystic Desires

2008-01-02T00:15:00.000+08:00

To all, wishes for a glorious & miraculous two thousand & eight. I hope the past year has brought you much joyousness & a great many beautiful memories. I also hope this year brings you the best of health, family & friends, the fulfilment of dreams & the opportunities to make all that you've hoped for for yourself.

As has become my tradition, I've given my blog a new name, a new look, & a new personal meaning. Amaranthine Mystic Desires.

Amaranthine is a deep reddish shade of purple & is the colour of the Amaranth, a fabled unwithering & everlasting flower of eternal beauty. For me this has a sense of determination, persistence & perseverance - all qualities I wish to cultivate in myself this year.

The ability to belief in, & trust, the mystic is another quality I want for myself this year. I refer to mysticism in the widest sense of the word - all things that cannot be explained purely by logic or the sciences. I'm thinking of the conscience, innate internal knowledge, gut-feelings, as well as inexplicable miracles, a higher power, & just simple belief & trust in people.

Also essentially, I aspire for belief & trust in myself, regardless of changes of circumstances, what others say of my perceived abilities & inabilities, with or without logic or backing, & adapting to hurdles in my way to reach those which are the objects of desire. Desires they must be, for they are not mere goals or trophies to amass; these are things that will give me a sense of fulfilment, & in a way, complete my world.

This year I want determination, accomplishment, fulfilment, & belief for myself. To remind me of these, my present to myself for 2008 is Amaranthine Mystic Dreams.

A Rose and an Amaranth blossomed side by side in a garden,
and the Amaranth said to her neighbour,
"How I envy you your beauty and your sweet scent!
No wonder you are such a universal favourite."
But the Rose replied with a shade of sadness in her voice,
"Ah, my dear friend, I bloom but for a time:
my petals soon wither and fall, and then I die.
But your flowers never fade, even if they are cut;
for they are everlasting."
~ Aesop's Fables, 6th Century BC ~

Afterword

2007-12-31T17:30:00.000+08:00

I have had grouses & gripes recently, but I refuse to end the year sullen.

First
My family may not be perfect, heck it may not even be particularly cohesive.
Nonetheless, they are family.
They will always be the people who will be there.
Whether in some welcome manner or some warped manner.

Second
I am blessed repeatedly for friends who are colourful, sensible, ridiculous & true.
They truly exemplify the saying that friends are the family we choose for ourselves.
I can turn to them with anything & everything that runs through my mind, & they listen, reason & make it easier for me to make a decision.

Third
He's my pillar of support, my listening ear, & my sensible, thoughtful half.
He's my motivation, my inspiration & in so many ways, my aspiration.
He's the one who makes me smile no matter what makes me cry.
He's essentially my future & he's definitely my present.

Miscellaneous
I have affection. I have allegiance. I have fondness. I have friendship. I have love. I have tenderness. I have health. I have happiness.
I have best kinds of wealth.
This has been a beautiful year.

Unravelled Stiches

2007-12-27T08:33:00.000+08:00

This is a depressing, possibly self-piteous post. For your own sanity, do not continue reading this if you do not wish to be put through such readings.

I've finally put a finger on something that's been bothering me for days. There's been this sense of loss around me, something missing, the feeling of not belonging anywhere. It's been eating away at me, dragging me down & leaving me drained all the time.

I miss having a family. There. I've said it.
I miss having a family to share things with, & to laugh with.
Partially, it's geographic, I suppose. I live apart from my family for most of the year. But that's going to end soon. I have another six months away from home & then I'll be back for good.
And in a way I'm dreading it.
This home (and it still is home in a way), is somehow stifling. The silence & the tension in the air.

Perhaps this also comes from being around families that actually seem to get along. I keep wondering why I can't have a family that speaks to each other & does things together.
For the longest of times, I actually believed that it was normal for siblings to go for weeks & months without talking to each other. I sometimes still believe it's normal to come back home & spend all my time in my room on my own.

Right now, I don't think I would know how to be around a family. I remember drawing stick figure pictures of idealised families when I was much younger. Two larger stick figures & two smaller stick figures, holding their stick hands together in front of a house with a smoking chimney and the sun smiling down on them. If asked to draw a picture of a family now, I'd probably stare blankly at a piece of paper.